Hiatus: Chapter 28

1. How are you feeling today?

Satiated
Verb: To have satisfied to the full; sated


2. What did you do today?

Had dinner with the Family, and cracked up at "Family Guy," and watched a bit of Sports and 60 Minutes. The people called it in early.

3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?


My Stomach is about to bust...

Ribs, Potato Salad, Greens, Steak Roast and a Lamb Roast wrapped in Bacon.

Need I say more?

I have to curb my eating a little bit. I'm not as young as I used to be. I still have a Decent Metabolism, but Age and Gravity is catching up. Regardless, I'll still eat for pleasure, just as much as I do for Survival.

If you'll excuse me, I'm getting a bowl of Raisin Bran.

Hiatus: Chapter 27

1. How are you feeling today?

Speechless
Adjective: Temporarily deprived of speech by strong emotion, physical weakness, exhaustion, etc.


2. What did you do today?

Woke up early and did some early morning running around. Was shocked by the subject matter at the moment.

3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?


Joy and Pain-- Maze and Frankie Beverly ---Soul


Speechless...

JUST Speechless.

I, at times, know when a friend is in need. As if I am their proverbial 9-1-1. I go to them when I feel a difference in their Air Pressure or when they call on me, and I help where I can.

Then a thought that I had came to mind, as it came from the movie "S.W.A.T."...




*Looking up and Nodding in Approval*

My 9-1-1 IM'd me this morning as I was making my way to Shope Rite for Snacks for today's BBQ (I'll run the list in Chapter 28, as there will be more to discuss). A young lady whom I dismissed last year because we didn't see eye to eye on a few topics and issues contacted me today, OF ALL DAYS. When I saw the message as I was listening to my daily dose of Just Blaze's "Whatever it Takes," I froze for the second time this weekend:

"Have a Blessed Day. Hope this message finds. Hope life has smiled on you. Take care..."

My response to this IM was of shock and humbleness. She continued on:

"You have been on my mind. God put me where I was needed today. Didn't mean to disturb you but wanted to say hello."

And this part freaked me out, citing that she lives in the Midwest:

"I've been watching you from afar. In thought and vision. Don't worry about understanding. Just know I was never far away."

GOD, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY LOVE AN EMPATH!!!

And Thank God for the Empaths that I have in my Life (Joy and Dad [TECHNICALLY, he is a Gemini-Cancer Cusp, but he was born on June 21. Those that know their stuff knows that it is the longest day of the calendar year, Blessing them with a VERY POWERFUL 6th Sense]. These 3 people just KNOW Things...)

This young lady felt something was wrong with me, and she reached out to speak to me and volunteered to bring me back from the Brink. I already know that we have some hours to log in, but I am Hopeful that what Needs to be said and heard will be said and heard.

But most importantly, Understood and Acknowleged.

Hiatus: Chapter 26

1. How are you feeling today?

Dark
Adjective: Hard to understand; obscure


2. What did you do today?

Spoke with a good friend that has pulled me from the brink by Challenging my Thinking in a way that I never had happen before.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

Tensaiga

Back On Track, Bathing In The Goodness That Is My Heart And Soul.
I REFUSE To Be Plighted By Your Negativity
Due To Your Not Understanding My Cryptic Code.
I Basked In The Dark Depths Once Before And Didn’t Understand It.
But At That Point In Time, I Was Young And It Was New To Me.
When I Ventured Down That Road Again, I Rather Liked It.
Not Evil Per Se, But A Chance At Self Discovery Of This Level
And An Opportunity To See What Darkness Was All About.
Via Self Discovery, I Acknowledged That It Is Not A Frame Of Mood
But Really, A Distinct Frame Of Complex Mind.
Weaving And Intertwining Throughout My Good And Protective Nature.
Choking It, Corroding It, To The Best Of Its Ability.
Thankfully, There Is Always A Light At The End Of The Tunnel
For Me To Go Towards And Break The Vicious Vice Grip That Darkness Has On Me.
I Am Thankful For My Spirit, Which I Call My Tensaiga.
Tensaiga Is The Essential Life Restorative That Brings Me Back From The Dark
Shredding And Slicing Through It, In The Way That Only He Knows How.
Releasing The Grip In Which The Darkness Has Dug Its Nails Into
Pulling Me Free From That Place, Delivering Me From Its Mental Capacity
Only To Help Cleanse Me Through The Memories Of My Good Nature And Good Ways.
My Tensaiga Never Let Me Down, And He Helps Me Get Back On Track Yet Again.
Tensaiga, I Love You. You Always Have My Best Interest At Heart, My Dearest Friend.


Sometimes, we forget that some words that are spoken can come back to bite us in the ass.

"What u gonna do about it stay in the dark or search for the light?"

I was asked this question after discussing that I felt Dark. It scared my friend that I felt that way, and it promted this question within her that...

To tell the truth, she had me on bended knee with her Blade in my Neck.

NEVER have I had this happen to me. I literally froze and couldn't answer her question. Those of you that know me VERY WELL, know for a fact that I can answer ANYTHING that is asked of me with no problem.

Her question freaked me out to where I couldn't speak for 5 minutes.

I never asked that question of myself, honestly. I just let the Darkness run its course and I grew and learned from it, instead of fighting against it. And from that Darkness, I got Cold. I shielded myself and stayed to myself.

To be Honest, I don't like it. Yet at the same time, it was necessary to protect myself from alot of things. Darkness was my Defensive Mechanism, and it was my Safety Net.

I look and reflect on this poem, and I have to remind myself that there is ALWAYS a Light at the end of the Tunnel. In this case, it IS my Soul.

My Tensaiga.

My Good Nature hasn't failed me, and it will not fail me now or ever. Even if I detach my Emotions from alot of situations and people in my Life, my Soul corrects my thinking and behavior which causes me to get back on track.

People look up to me, Whether I like it or not. I cannot let them down. Let alone, Myself...

Hiatus: Chapter 25

1. How are you feeling today?

Aware
Adjective: Informed; alert; knowledgeable; sophisticated

2. What did you do today?

Went to my Census Meeting, and had a Massive Revelation.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eCTm3a-mZ0
Saliva - I Walk Alone

I am now Aware of what I am and was missing.

It isn't Love. It isn't Companionship. It isn't anything dealing with the Heart at all. It was something so simple that even I am shocked that I didn't see it.

My Ability to Detach my Emotions from everything; AKA Turn My Back, get in touch once again with my Loner.

Unless you are me, you CANNOT tell me different. Try it; I'll eat you alive and not feel sorry for you.

All this time, I have been caring too damn much about others that I forgot to care about myself first. And the best way that I cared about myself was to focus on Number One and do what was best for me.

I can honestly look at my phone now and know that I can either answer it, or say "Fuck It." Even if it isn't on my person, I can still pick it up, look at it and say "Fuck It" because I am concentrating on myself for once in my Life.

I did this during High School; Cared less about the people around me and focused on being the Absolute Best in my Class. I Graduated in the Top 20 because I didn't give a Flying Fuck about those that were struggling as I surpassed them.

As I worked for Nordstrom, I had compassion for the newbies, but that was all I had for them. The Veterans, I could have cared less. I was Ruthless, Cold-Hearted as I made my way up the Ranks as I claimed my throne. Granted, I kept the Good Aspect of myself because I didn't want to be that Asshole at the job. I helped where I needed to help, all in the name of Shining Brighter than anyone else and I was Revered, Respected and Admired. I was and STILL am the Best that is walking. All because I cared about myself way more than anyone else could care about me.

No one could reach the Upper Echelon that was and is my Skill Level in key aspects that made me who I am now. And it is High Time that I reconnect with that part of me again.

This time, on a more Permanent Basis.

Hiatus: Chapter 24

1. How are you feeling today?

Revelative
Verb: To make known; disclose; divulge


2. What did you do today?

Had Breakfast with Dad as we watched CNN and discussed Current Events.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?


I think I either touched too much water, or this is my being revelative at this point in my Life. I'm just going to put it out there.

There's nothing here for me up North. I feel that I need a change in scenery as far as getting away from Philadelphia.

Permanently.

I can say this because people like myself are not appreciated here. Yeah, they call this "The City of Brotherly Love," yet this brother is being shown none.

Before anyone goes out of their way and say, "Are you going all over the city to find 'Brotherly Love'," believe when I say that I have been looking and NOT looking for it on the regular.

Also, Fuck You if you feel that I am being Whiny. People tend to forget that I listen and have listened to their problems, thoughts, views and opinions without so much as an aggravated sigh or frustration or disapproval of listening to them. I have the Right to Vent. And I am exercising this Right at this time. If you don't like it, stop reading and disown me as a friend or a family member.

I am and was often verbal as far as not being with a young lady. I asked a friend "When?," and she gave me a name. She didn't know the timeframe or the circumstance, yet in still, she is confident as to Who I will be with. I should have asked this question, but I feel that I can put this one in print.

SIMPLY Yes or No:

Did God come down and tell you that the person you named is "The One"?

I doubt that He did. IF He did, you should have been given the EXACT timeframe and circumstance as to what would cause that to happen. Do yourself a favor and don't give me a Religious response, for I have heard each and every variation that exists. It's worthless to me and it is not Human. There is a difference between a Religious Response and a Human Response. The question you NEED to ask yourself is, do you know the difference?

*Perplexed Look*

Yeah, "God doesn't help those who do not help themselves."

I go out, travel, work, interact and everything that NEEDS to be done to make myself visible and noticed by many.

*Chuckling*

And still, I am doing something wrong. Maybe my type is not accepted at all. I have been constantly told that I am a "Really Nice and Good Guy."

*Rolling Eyes*

If I am so nice and good, why isn't anyone claiming me for themself? That's right! I'm "Too Good and Too Nice"!

Philadephia, as far as finding someone viable here, is a piss poor failure in my eyes and the eyes of those who are Genuine, Sincere and Driven to be the way that they are. Maybe I should beat someone's daughter, be a drug addict, alcohol abuser and flat out "THUG" or "HOOLIGAN" and MAYBE I'll be a Turn On to someone that feels that they can "Fix Me" and make me the way they want me to be in their eyes, when in reality I won't and it gives that young woman an Alleged "Purpose" in the Relationship.

I'll be blunt: Being a "Fixer" is BULLSHIT. MANY young women Honestly think and believe that their purpose in a relationship is to be a "Fixer" for their Relationship and Life Situation.

God Bless You.

All I REALLY need to do at this point is just keep to myself and not feel a thing for anyone ANYWHERE; Be completely numb to those Emotions and stay to myself. Honestly, even if I move out of Philadelphia, I run the risk of having the same issue in another city and state as I would here.

At least I would be away from the Philadelphia Ingrates.

Hiatus: Chapter 23

1. How are you feeling today?

Wary
Adjective: Arising from or characterized by caution


2. What did you do today?

After having dinner and watching TV with the family, Dad and I watched a fight between 2 women and the father to both of their children engage in a fisticuff.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?


You know what? It is NEVER Cool to see 2 women fight over a man, especially when he came home from Lockdown.

It makes me very wary that people are willing to fight over a piece of a person instead of attempting to have a whole person for themself. I am looking at that situation and cannot help but be sickened by what I saw (Despite it being GREAT Friday Night Excitement, sans its occuring in front of the children that are no older than 7).

YOU JUST DON'T FIGHT IN FRONT OF THE BABIES!!! Esp. when there is one in a Car Seat, just kicking her legs and looking cute doing it!

There are a few simple words that could be used in this occurence...

Tactfulness
Stupidity
Consideration
Injuries
Death
Lawsuits
Arrests

... You get my drift.

If this behavior is indicative of what we are to expect this Summer, I can assure you that this Summer will be very entertaining, and I'll be watching from behind the open iron door. Hopefully, it'll get as Jerry Springer as it did tonight where clothes were shredded, breasts popped out and dude got bitch slapped (And deservedly so for putting into the head of Baby Mama #1 from Camden, NJ that he was going to be with her, and then running to Baby Mama #2 [AKA Stability] with whom was holding down the household during his prison stint as he is staying with her).

The Big Picture, as my Dad would say, I can take a Guess as far as what it is:

"Don't deal with 2 people at once. It's hard enough remembering one name, birthday, anniversary, first date, first kiss, first time you made love, etc. when you are in a Monogamous Relationship."

I'm just saying...

Hiatus: Chapter 22

1. How are you feeling today?

Somber
Adjective: Gloomy, depressing, or dismal


2. What did you do today?

Went over my Assignments for the Census for today. Cut up with Dad and my Great Uncle.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2x9o-zzxnH4
Just Blaze - Whatever It Takes


Just a somber mood today...

God Bless and God Rest Gary Coleman.

The first person who asks "Who is Gary Coleman?" to my face will get bent over and spanked.

The Young Generation doesn't have a clue as to what GOOD WHOLESOME TELEVISION is because they have been raped by the Mindless Bullshit that is "Reality TV" (The Hills, True Life, Teen Cribs, Brandy and Ray J, etc.).

Parents, PLEASE buy the "Diff'rent Strokes" Seasons or go onto On Demand and sit their tardy behinds down so they can be educated as to what REAL Television is all about. We know that there were always GREAT Episodes as far as "Diff'rent Strokes" was concerned...

"Diff'rent Strokes was also known for its many "very special episodes", most notably an anti-drug episode ("The Reporter", in Season 5) that featured then-First Lady Nancy Reagan, who promoted her "Just Say No" campaign, and an episode that guest starred Gordon Jump as a pedophile bicycle-shop owner, who attempted to sexually molest Arnold and Dudley.

Other episodes involved Arnold and Willis being rejected by Mr. Drummond's old prep school because they didn't meet the criteria of the entrance exam, a con artist (played by Whitman Mayo) posing as a relative of Arnold and Willis in an attempt to get access to the inheritance they were left by a former neighbor, and Kimberly's new love Roger (who turns out to be racist) not allowing his sister to go to their school's costume ball with Willis because of his race.

In another episode on the dangers of hitchhiking, Kimberly and Arnold were abducted by a deranged man (played by Woody Eney), who initially acted as a "Good Samaritan" and a very nice guy by giving the two of them a ride, and inviting them to his apartment. At the end of that episode, Conrad Bain spoke these words as a Public Service Announcement, "If you know of a case of sexual assault or an attempted sexual assault, please contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency medical facility."

In the final season (when the show moved from NBC to ABC), the one-hour season opener revolved around Sam being kidnapped by a bereaved father (played by Royce D. Applegate) to replace his own dead son. In yet another episode, the family discovered that Kimberly was suffering from bulimia after witnessing her devour an entire sheet cake, and then go to the bathroom to vomit.

Another very special episode dealt with Arnold and Sam meeting a street performer. After a performance, she has an epileptic seizure, and Sam is scared and thinks she is dying. The boys feel uncomfortable around Karen, the performer, and when they are making jokes about her seizures, they find out that housekeeper Pearl herself has epilepsy, but, unlike Karen, has control of her seizures by taking medications."

This may be from Wikipedia, but DAMMIT!!! They hit it on the head with these Special Episodes ALONE. From this show ALONE, I learned:

-Equal Rights and Opportunities for Everyone, REGARDLESS of Race, Color, Creed, Sexual Orientation, etc.
-NOT to do Drugs
-NOT accept rides from or talk to Strangers
-TELL an Adult if I was touched inappropriately
-If I or any Family or Friends were in ANY MEDICAL TROUBLE, seek help immediately, and
-Subjects in the Mirror of Life are not as close as they appear. Be mindful of those that are around and near you.

Now, let's compare these lessons to the lessons that "Reality Shows" are teaching us:

*Drawing a Blank*

Oh Right!!

-To be a Materialistic, Superficial, Goldigging Bastard with Control Issues and a serious case of the "I-WANT-THAT-RIGHT-NOW-itis" instead of having Morals or signs of having a Justifiably Decent Upbringing that would make us products of Society that'll have people take notice of who and what we are all about in a Positive Light to where we would be Coveted and looked upon as Role Models.

And let's take note that All of the "Reality Shows" do not involve Celebrities.

"Tough Love" and "Tool Academy" are just 2 examples of Complete and Purely Mind Wasting, Time Consuming, Utterly Embarrassing "Programs" in the form of FAILS of great magnitude that is lit up on the Shit Marquee of Life.


All the more reason why my Dad often asks the question, "Why do People go on these shows?!"

I'll end this Chapter with a "My Dad On..." Moment!!


My Dad On "Reality TV"...

*Watching Cheaters with Dad*

Me: "Are you nervous, Tommy Two Tone (His hair is 2 colors)?"
*Looking closer, and noticing his eyes shifting too much*
"Is he reading from a script?"

Dad: "He IS on National Television. I don't get why these people do this show!"

Me: "It's something to watch!"

Dad: "And to get embarrassed!
*Yelling at the TV*
"I told you that girl was a Ho! I did her!!"

Hiatus: Chapter 21

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Hiatus: Chapter 20

1. How are you feeling today?

Irritated
Past Tense: To have provoked impatience, anger, or displeasure in


2. What did you do today?

Same as Chapter 19's response, with the added element of speaking with good friends.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?


*Midnight Edition*

I was speaking with Dad earlier about how some people in your Life tend to hold you back when things are starting to shape up towards the betterment of your progression. I can honestly say that there are some family members that are doing just that with a few other family members, all because they are jealous of that family member's success and those negative individuals are focused on their own lack of success.

Personally, if I am successful, then EVERYONE is Successful. End of story as far as what I would do in that situation.

I have no time to be jealous of what people are succeeding in, because I am Genuinely Happy for those that are making the moves necessary to make their Life better and that much more fulfilling. To be heavy hearted because of another's happiness and success, is to be shallow and morose within your own life. Yet, these are the same people with whom are comfortable being in their quagmire.

*Puzzled look*

Just wow. I can damn sure name names within my OWN Family, but I am not going to do it. All I can say is that I am extremely disappointed in them and cannot help but wonder why they are this way. Is it because their relatives are doing what is best to enhance themselves and to be perceived in a better light? Or is it that you feel that they are making you look bad because you were at one point in time the "Person to Beat"?

Honestly, be proud that there are Sucessors in the family with whom you can pass the torch. I say suck it up, and be proud.

Or is that too much to ask?

Hiatus: Chapter 19 (The Forbidden Chapter)

1. How are you feeling today?

Drained
Past Tense: to be deprived of strength; tired.


2. What did you do today?

Did my last 2 Assignments for the Census for the day in the SWELTERING HEAT!! Made dinner for the family as I prepared the remainder of my paperwork for tomorrow's meeting.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SZHmwGpNXk
Linkin Park - One Step Closer

Lyrics:

I cannot take this anymore
Saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you'll say
You'll find that out anyway

Just like before...

[Chorus:]
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
I'm about to break

I find the answers aren't so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again

Just like before...

[Chorus]

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break

Shut up when I'm talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up
Shut up when I'm talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up

I'm about to BREAK

[Chorus]

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge
And I'm about to break



I guess that this is the part where I feel Emotionally Drained or Emotionally Bankrupt (Insider).

Hiatus, granted, has been Liberating because it helped in my being Desensitized of a number of situations that were going on around me. At the same time, it fucking sucks because not everyone can or could begin to fathom, let alone Respect and Admire what I am doing during this time (Not coming at you, my True and Real Friends; Let that be clear from the jump).

Not everyone is capable of attempting to attain a Higher Level of Mental Awareness and Conciousness, because of the possible ramifications and revelations in which would be realized and obtained. I also believe that certain people who have been following me as far as Hiatus, KNOWS Why I did it. Not for the Symbolism that is on the surface, but for some underlying issues within myself. I honestly feel that there are some things within me that NEEDS to be protected. And with said Protection, it is practically breaking me Mentally and Emotionally. As if a Massive Vent Session is on the horizon, and I may not be viewed as the Strong One as I have always been known to be perceived. I, of all people, know how powerful my words can uplift people and how dangerous my words can be in making myself look like a Ruinous Beast, a proverbial Engine of Destruction that has no control over himself and his emotions.

Whenever I write about Darkness, I always feel better afterwards. It is my outlet for alot of pent up anger, frustrations, and all out Evil that is in my head. Not writing it, would show a Reversal of who I have grown up to become today.

This level of Darkness, however, is of a different type of animal. I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA what would happen if I let this type of Darkness out of me, as I feel that the damage that it would cause would be overall Devestating and completely Contradictory towards everything that I stand for.

I guess that is why I keep everything bottled up inside of me, and not allow anyone on the inside to bear witness to my erratic mind and behavior. I fear that if I do, I will Personally redefine the term "Emotionally Unstable," which I know for a God given fact that I am such a person.

I know that there are those who wish to listen to what Needs to be said from this portion of my psyche. Believe when I say, it's like that episode of Scrubs where Carla took off the top of her head where J.D. asked her to let him in as far as how she was feeling and what she was thinking.


Yeah. Something like that WOULD Occur if I let anyone in as far as what is going on in my head... *Looking Up*

Hopefully, whoever wants in (IF I ALLOW IT), doesn't melt during and after the session.

Hiatus: Chapter 18

1. How are you feeling today?

Awestruck
Adjective: Filled with awe.


2. What did you do today?

Did my Assignments for the Census and getting prepared for the meeting tomorrow morning. Watched "The Big Bang Theory" Season Finale and watching the "Law and Order" Series (A bit sad that it is ending this way...)


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yCzIoypUz4
Amerie - Why do we fall in love (Asis Mix)

This Beat is NICE!!!
(I Believe Caprice and N'Tirzah [Hell, Even Myself!] can do some MAJOR Lyrical Damage on this one! *TEE HEE!!*)


I look at and reflect on my parents everyday and cannot help but be Awestruck with their 26 going on 27 Years of Marriage.

They are as Fire and Ice as they come, yet they Work! Mom's Fiery and Uniform Aries Attitude, coupled with Dad's Laid Back and Improvisional Mentality is by far the rarest mix and combination I have ever seen.

Granted, they have their moments and days where they do not see eye to eye, yet they ALWAYS found a way to resolve and speak with one another to better understand thier situation as well as their stance in said situation.

I know I won't have a marriage like theirs, yet I am still determined to find my Compatible One as we travel our Road and Path to being a very strong Entity that is Husband and Wife.

Hiatus: Chapter 17

1. How are you feeling today?

Disheartened
Verb, Past Tense: To have depressed the hope, courage, or spirits of; discourage.


2. What did you do today?

Arranged a transport for my Great Uncle for his appointment tomorrow morning, then watched "Dr. Phil" with Dad and my Great Uncle.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYnFIRc0k6E
Limp Bizkit - Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)


In an odd sense, this is the order for the day.


*Early Edition*

Let me say that I am SOOO PROUD of the Young Ladies and Gentlemen that are taking care of their responsibilities at home. It takes alot to run your home AND Stay Strong in the face of Adversity. I have nothing short of Love and Respect for you all.

Which brings me to the Miscellaneuos young men and women who feels the Need to pawn their Responsibilites onto someone else when they can lift their ass off the couch to do for themselves.

I WILL BE ABSOLUTELY CLEAR!!! I'm not talking about the young men and women who are busting their asses on the regular, adhering to their schedules and regimines to provide for their family and themselves. I have NO ISSUE with you Young Ladies and Gentlemen, esp. when you are entitled to a break from all that you do to have some R & R, get out of the city and see something different and new (Shameless Plug for the June Meet and Greet... Sue me).

What Disheartens Me is, those that BELIEVE that the Others can skirt, skate and playcate on the Sympathy of others to all around have their way and get away with murder. These thoughts and feelings in which I am feeling comes from watching the Dr. Phil Family. The family that the Good Doctor is TRYING SO HARD to help, has this one daughter who grew from a 16-year-old girl into a 22-year-old brat while causing ten types of Hell and Grief for her family (Granted, the WHOLE Family is ALL FUCKED UP anyway, but I am fascinated with this girl and want to focus on her simple ass). She has 2 Children and going onto her third (NOT, I Repeat, NOT BASHING THOSE THAT HAVE MULTIPLE CHILDREN AND ARE SINGLE), and she is pawning her children off onto her mother who, in my opinion as well as the opinion of SO MANY OTHERS, is done with the Child Raising portion of her Life. I look at this Spoiled Brat and shake my head in disgust. A "Former" (And I use this word much more loosely than a prostitute's pussy after pulling an all nighter) drug user and abuser who started up on her drugs IMMEDIATELY after the birth of her babies and ditching her responsibilities as a Mother, and putting the weight and burden of Child Raising and Rearing onto her mother.

*Raising my Hand*

Isn't the point of having babies is to RAISE YOUR BABIES under your watchful eye and Tender Loving Care to help them become a Mirror Image of your Wholesome and Humble Beginnings?

Did I Speak out of turn? Oh! I'm Sorry!!

I didn't realize that my parents did it wrong for all these years and not have me raised by my grandmother, in order to become a Mirror Image of her instead of them!

*Rolling eyes in Disgust*

IF, I had my way, I would have one VERY EASY SOLUTION to her "Child Rearing and Raising":

Cycle her 2 going on 3 babies through the System.

Fortunately, the Great Country that is the United States of America, would pretty much beat my ass for saying that (YET, I can assure you that they would understand my logic). This Brat's mother would take her grandbabies in before that would happen.

The reason why I say this is because of the simple fact that is SOOOOO Obvious this girl REFUSES to Step Up and Be a Better Person and be a Mother. She's under the Guise tht she can have as many babies as she wants and not lift a finger to raise them and take Responsibility for any of them.

GOD FORBID IF THEY ASK YOU TO BE A MOTHER TO THEM!!!

She and her boyfriend/husband/boyfriend laid down to have the babies, that means she and they should be raising those babies. Simple Math.

Yet, Life is never simple, right?

Hiatus: Chapter 16

1. How are you feeling today?

Reflective
Adjective: Characterized by or given to meditation or contemplation; thoughtful.


2. What did you do today?

Just took it easy today. Helped my friend overcome a Fear and she got results. Did 3 Assignments for the Census.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUjIA3Rt7gk
A Flock Of Seagulls' "I Ran"


I Had to take it BACK!!!!

Not too much on my mind today. The one thing that made me Smile and feel Reflective is that a few friends of mine saw IMMEDIATELY that I am the type of Person that'll give it to the People Raw and Uncut.

I am happy that several of you see this in my Character. Simply put, How can I Expect to be Honest and Raw with you all if I cannot be Honest and Raw with myself?

During Hiatus, I learned to be Harder on myself. Now, MORE THAN EVER, I am even harder on myself in order to know what the Hell is going on inside of my head.

As of Date, I have 10 more days, and then the Code Breaking can begin...

Hiatus: Chapter 15

1. How are you feeling today?

Cerebral
Adjective: Appealing to or requiring the use of the intellect; intellectual rather than emotional


2. What did you do today?

Had my Daily Meeting with my Crew Leader. Went over my Assignments, spoke with Dad and discovered that our Contractor showed up and started working on the ceiling in the kitchen to remedy the leak from the shower.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcDCdTCXjUw
Asis Galvin's "Asis Original's - How do you like it" (Instrumental)



There was something that I neglected to mention as far as what I wrote last night. At the same time, it gives me something to write about tonight.

I asked a Question to a number of people regarding Why they don't Gamble as far as Life Decisions. The Easiest Questions are ALWAYS the Hardest to Answer IF AND ONLY IF You allow it be that way. So let me ask the Question that I posed to those people:

"Is it a Fear of FAILURE, Or a Fear of SUCCESS?"

The General Concensus that I received pertaining to this Quandary, is that it is a Fear of Failure that prevents people from being their Best and doing the Absolute Best that they are capable of doing.

One Word, Two Syllables, Eight Letters:
Bullshit.

I say it is a Fear of Success, and I'll explain quickly.

I say that it is The Fear of Success that prevents people from doing things because of the simple fact that if they are INDEED Successful in going for what they Desire and Need (And IT WILL BE SUCCESSFUL for as long as they claim it as thier own), those people are afraid of the Benefits and the Work that would go with it, Resulting in their Self-Demanding to Keep up the Tempo in order to maintain the Status and Stature of the Success.

TRUST ME: It IS NOT That Damn Bad!!!

If you are Successful, People will see that you have a Purpose and Drive to do what you NEED to do in order to be that, what I call, "Super Power" in your Life and for those People to look up to you and Marvel in your Excellence.

You know what that is called, Boys and Girls?

Being a Role Model; Becoming THE Individual that Many can Look Up to as well as ASPIRE to become because they SEE YOU being that!!!

SERIOUSLY, What's wrong with being a Role Model? We see Sports Figures, Movie Figures, Political Figures. HELL!!! Even EVERYDAY PEOPLE fulfill their Role as the Role Model and GOLDEN EXAMPLE of conquering that Fear of Success. Since I have been out and about, Travelling and Interacting with many Grand People since LAST YEAR, I have Seen, Experienced and Accomplished things that I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD EVER SEE!!

I saw MY Friends Perform and Conquer their Fears. I saw MY Friends Launch Careers and take it to Another Level because THEY Conquered their Fears. I saw MY Friends kick down Fear's Door and take a Shit on the Splinters of Wood and Steel because they were SICK AND TIRED OF BEING IN FEAR OF SUCCESS!!!

Let me sum it up with something that I thought about as I was washing dishes this evening (Reference "Liquid Lyricals"):

"Those That Fear Success, Fails. Those That Fear Failure, Succeed."


Once Again, Call Me On It. You All Have My Phone Number.

Hiatus: Chapter 14

1. How are you feeling today?

Stunned
Verb Past Tense: To be shocked; overwhelmed


2. What did you do today?

Went to my Daily Meeting with the Census and got a New Assignment. Came home and prepped for tomorrow by filling out my Time Sheet and reviewed my Assignment. Spoke with Dad about Family and Life. Spoke with friends that are going through a little rough patch.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsO6ZnUZI0g
Kanye West's "Stronger"


My Best Friend Ric CLEARLY STATED that this song here Defines My Being and Who I Am. Thank You.



People, I must say, I am Completely Stunned about how we as People put a Limitation on ourselves as far as Wanting, Needing, Having, Doing and Being Better in and for our Life.

This Conversation comes about under this roof almost every single day when Dad and I speak on this topic. I also spoke with many friends about this topic as well and got PLENTY of reactions that made me smile, honestly. It tells me that they have thought about it as well.

Let me dive right into this:

Let's take Men and Women who are Established and are making Waves in having the things necessary to keep their heads above water. We can all agree that we do in fact NEED something (SOMEONE, said the Signifying Monkey) to give us that extra Push to put our Best Foot Forward to attract a Better Quality of Person to enhance our Life.

My problem comes in where we lower our Standards to where we deal with Sub Par Individuals that have nothing going for them, OR they have something going for them and they are Selfish with theirs, not wanting to Assist and Aide their BF/GF/Husband/Wife to help them up and be on their Level.

WHAT IS THE ATTRACTION?!

Really, People? This is what we are teaching the Younger Generations, Namely our Children, Siblings and Young Realtives as well as Being a COMPLETE AND UTTER EMBARRASSMENT to those with whom had their hand in our upbringing? The WHOLE PURPOSE of our Upbringing was to Be, Do, Desire, Want, Need, Earn, Perform AND Have Better than our Parental Counterparts!!! Now, we have the majority of them hanging their heads in shame because the Majority of us are Not living up to OUR Expectations as far as doing better than them.

I got to go there and say this: Hooking up with the Knucklehead Man or Woman that does nothing but SHIT to and towards You is FUCKING TIRED!!!

I'm Single because:

1. I don't go out much. Ric and I agree on this.
2. Finding someone who is of great Quality is FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. I HONESTLY met those, that I can count on both hands, that Measure Up and are Worth My Time as far as Pursuing them to be a Part of My Life. The thing that I DO NOT GET IS...

Those people that I have and had an Interest in CONSTANTLY TELL ME "You are 'TOO GOOD' for Me."

*BLANK STARE*

So, you want the Fucked Up Dude to go with your Fucked Up Self. This is what I am to understand? You CANNOT sit there and tell me that you didn't mean it that way!

I will Allow myself to break it down very simple for you all, MEN AND WOMEN ALIKE. Someone says to you, "You Are 'TOO GOOD' For Me," IS FUCKING LYING!!! And those that know me LIKE THAT, KNOWS that I'll say it to their face and DARE THEM to tell me otherwise with a Straight Face on their person. Let me Translate this Quote for You:

What these individuals are REALLY SAYING is, "In order to be on YOUR Level, I have to Upgrade Myself in order to meet you Eye to Eye and be VIABLE. Yet in Reality, I am COMFORTABLE in the Position in which I am in, and Feel that I DO NOT as well as COMPLETELY REFUSE to Be Better in order to Have and Do Better."

Yeah. I SAID IT!! CALL ME ON IT!!! YOU ALL GOT MY PHONE NUMBER!!!

Trust Me when I say, I RATHER HEAR THAT TRANSLATION AS OPPOSED TO THAT FUCKERY BULLSHIT WAY BEFORE You come out of your Mouth with "You are 'TOO GOOD' For Me." If you don't want to be with that person, Show some FUCKING Common Courtesy and Let them know that you have ZERO INTEREST in being with that person because you rather Whine, Bitch, Moan and ALL OUT Complain about your Life and Situation.

All in all, we'll just look at You and either Convince You that YOU ARE WORTH IT, or we go on to the Next Person and you miss out.

How does it feel to hold your Ball and not have a Partner to throw it to, and is Dependable AND Reliable to where they can lift you up from your Abyss?

Hiatus: Chapter 13

1. How are you feeling today?

Embarrased
Verb Past Tense: To have caused confusion and shame to; made uncomfortably self-conscious; disconcerted; abashed


2. What did you do today?

Stayed in today, due to rain, and went out when necessary. Did my Census Work and ran into my brother Calvin along the way. Had dinner with the family and taped 2 "My Dad On..." moments. And eating Cheerios as I type this Chapter.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQMBBY5GrV8
(NEW) Boondocks Season 3 Riley's Theme by Asis Galvin (Instrumental)



I am UTTERLY Embarrassed for those who choose not to do for themselves.

I saw a little boy SPEAK for his mother today, as his mother dictated what she was VERY CAPABLE of saying things on an Intimate Topic to him for herself! All I can do is Shake My Head.

Is this the Future, People? Our Kids Speaking for us? I am FRANKLY EMBARRASSED FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN!!

If a guy was Hitting on my Mom, who has been Married for 26 Years, I'm stepping in! THAT IS WHEN IT SHOULD HAPPEN!! If Dad was there, he would have handled business. Plain and Simple.

People NEED to Stop being Dictators and start being Accountable and more Proactive. Things WILL go much more Smoothly doing things that way.

Yes, I am being Vague. But this is for a reason...

Hiatus: Chapter 12

1. How are you feeling today?

Elated
Adjective Past Tense: Very happy or proud; jubilant; in high spirits

Consistent
Adjective: Constantly adhering to the same principles, course, form, etc.


2. What did you do today?

Returned from having a GREAT TIME In Harlem Bronx, NY. Saw my Young Ladies for the First Time since the weekend of March 20th. Took Great Pics through my Best Friend's Sunroof of Bridges we went across, along with other scenary.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?


WHAT CAN I SAY!!! I LOVE NY, AND NY LOVES ME!!!

Made my Elated Surprise Return to NY this weekend and as far as I and a few young ladies are concerned, I am 2 for 2 in Delivering on my Word of showing up, symbolizing my Consistency.

Being Consistent is of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE in My Life. It shows that the people in my Life as well as I are Dependable and Reliable in the eyes that Need us the Most. I spoke with Caprice and my Dad about my being Consistent and they see with Undeniable Proof that I am indeed a Man of my Word for being there when it counts. It is these LITTLE THINGS (Just Being There) that truly Encompassses who you are as an Individual and Person. If you can show that you can be there when it counts, then you are, in the eyes of those people, are THE Very Rare Diamond in a Quarry of Coals. It takes time to find that Special kind of person and when you do, you NEVER want to let them go.

To Be that Go-To Person for those that treasure you is a Very Special Feeling that will only grow as you all grow together as a Unit. And the Consistency Unit that I currently have (My Closest Family, Ric, Joy, Kali, Caprice, Chante, N'Tirzah, Lisa and Sharon), they'll NEVER Be Traded In.

Not even for a Klondike Bar.

Hiatus: Chapter 11

1. How are you feeling today?

Anxious
Medical Dictionary: Characterized by extreme uneasiness of mind or brooding fear about some contingency


2. What did you do today?

Attended my first Census Meeting at the Logan Branch Library. Just relaxed and napped for the first time in a long time.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

First up, I KNOW!! I'M LATE!!


Anxious and Anxiousness are such Ugly words tonight. It's even uglier when it is out of the Medical Dictionary. Sadly, this is what I am feeling at this point in Hiatus.

Fear of Loss, Fear of Pain. I just feel that something is going to happen, and it isn't going to be good at all. As if events are playing out in a certain fashion to where it'll test my mettle. I know I am strong enough for it, but HOW Strong am I really? Can I handle it? Am I able to conquer this feeling? Why am I feeling Anxious? What is causing my Anxiousness to go into Overdrive?

Yet, at the same time, a good friend advised me to Embrace it, and not allow it to Consume Me. In the act of Embracing, it is not eating me up and controlling my moves; As if I am Willing the mode of thought and feeling of Anxiousness to benefit the Understanding Mechanisms deep within myself to further my understanding of Hiatus.

Thank You So Much For That. I owe you 2, now.

Hiatus: Chapter 10

1. How are you feeling today?

Peculiar
Adjective: Strange; queer; odd

2. What did you do today?

Slept in after having 3 Great Days with US Census Training. Got my Laundry done as I spoke with friends about their goings on.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?


As Chapter 10 is being Birthed by and from my hands, I cannot help but feel peculiar about what I am doing.

REAL TALK. WHY am I doing Hiatus? What is the Purpose?

The reason Why I am Doing Hiatus is to see the forest for what it is. I Need to see clearly as far as what I am doing with and to myself. Plain and Simple.

The Purpose is for Self-Improvement and Enlightenment into my Character and Being. I can see the Code in my Hiatus Chapters taking form, where anyone who has been following it Faithfully, May or May not see what I am seeing as far as the hidden message.

At this point, I COULD End Hiatus and Decode, but there is so much more that MUST Be Learned about myself and my Mentality in order to obtain Complete and Total Enlightenment.

Hiatus: Chapter 9

1. How are you feeling today?

Accomplished
Past Tense: Completed; Done; Effected

2. What did you do today?

Day 3 of US Census Training with a Final Exam at the End of Training to determine my Fate as an Enumerator. Headed Home and Had dinner with the family. Conversed with my Parents, Profoundly discussing Life. Watched TLC with Dad.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtyByefOvgQ
Mission: Impossible Theme (Short Version)


Granted, it should be called "Mission: Accomplished!!" to describe my day today!

Day 9 of Hiatus has given Birth and Blessings to the fact that The Final Day of US Census Training is over and I passed my Final Exam 85/100, only 3 questions wrong out of 20 worth 5 points each!!

YES, I AM A NERD!!

But this Nerd is getting PAID!! See how important it is to keep your nose in the Books? You will eventually find Employment that'll pay your Worth! I will admit. There have been times that I nearly Gave Up as far as finding Good Work, yet I knew that thinking wasn't Right. I flipped it from "Give Up," to "NEVER Give Up." I Needed to Psychologically Energize myself to keep pushing in order to be rewarded for my Hard Work and Determination.

My Whole Deal is, if you are Hungry Enough to have a Better Situation for your Needs and Accomodations, you will push yourself to the Limit to have and Be the Absolute Best that you can be and know that you have the Heart, Fire, Determination, Ambition and Motivation within you to make it happen.

BUST YOUR ASS, PEOPLE!!! Doing that WILL Yield Rewards!!

Hiatus: Chapter 8

1. How are you feeling today?

Surreal
Adjective: Having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic

2. What did you do today?

Day 2 of US Census Training, and learned even more today, by learning the mechanics and how to fill out the paperwork. Had dinner, and spent time with Dad (Not for "My Dad On..." Moments).


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cq9j5JaMEEU
Alter Bridge's Metalingus

*Lyrics*

I've been defeated and brought down
Dropped to my knees when hope ran out
The time has come to change my ways

On this day I see clearly everything has come to life
A bitter place and a broken dream
And we'll leave it all, leave it all behind

I'll never long for what might have been
Regret won't waste my life again
I won't look back
I'll fight to remain:

On this day I see clearly everything has come to life
A bitter place and a broken dream
And we'll leave it all behind

On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive

Fear will kill me, all I could be
Lift these sorrows
Let me breathe, could you set me free
Could you set me free

On this day I see clearly everything has come to life
A bitter place and a broken dream
And we'll leave it all behind
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive



When I feel Surreal, I think of this song. It's a Great Song and makes Me think Positively.

Surrealness is an Amazing Feeling, you know? Things are coming together to where My Life is getting back on track. A New Job, a New Look, Examination and Measurement of my Potential. As my Dad would call it, "A BIG Springboard into Your Next Chapter in Your Life." This is the Moment where I can witness the "Metaphysical (Using the definition 'Supernatural' in this sense) Metamorphosis" (I am SUCH A NERD!!) of my Nature and Being; I am becoming the Man that I am MEANT to become.

To tell the Truth, People, I am not only a bit Scared of this process, I am Excited and Elated because THIS MOMENT HERE, has Arrived!! And the Best Part is, it'll only get Even MORE Exciting as time goes on!!!

Hiatus: Chapter 7

1. How are you feeling today?

Unstoppable
Adjective: That cannot be stopped or surpassed; unbeatable

2. What did you do today?

Woke Up SUPER Early, 6:20A to start my return to the Workforce. Completed Day One of the US Census Training, Ordered Dinner for the Family

3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3i-BzVWQA0Q
MVPuppets: Unstoppable


You know what, Family? THIS Video Here?! *Pointing Upwards with Assertiveness*

THAT is what I am feeling today! UNSTOPPABLE!!!

My First Day BACK IN THE WORKFORCE!!! Granted, it is Temporary. I could CARE LESS at this point because it is getting my foot in the door for MANY MORE Opportunities. An Employer (The US Government NO LESS!!) sees The Big "P" Word within my being...

Potential.

Which is why I am going to examine the Appealing Nature of a good number of people who would rather choose to be with someone who is Intellectually Inferior as oppose to someone who is an Equal to their Psyche and can Enhance that person to a whole new level. PLEASE NOTE that I said A GOOD NUMBER, not All People. Let me ask you, The People, some things...

What is SO Appealing about a person whose every other word is a four letter Expletive or Negative Words that are Derogatory towards a person's Creed or Character? What about the person who has Good Credit (Or is Able to Establish to a Line of Good Credit), can speak other languages (and not use the Cuss Words of the Foreign Language, but actually CAN Hold a Conversation in that other language), that has UNLIMITED Potential with the Common Sense and Book Smarts to match?

Are you telling me that You Yourself DO NOT Want to be a part of that until it suits your "Needs" which will be when that Bullshit gets Old? Honestly, it should have been Old from the jump, yet people "Want" the "Excitement" (Drama is the Most Appropriste Word) until they get shot up. I cannot say Physically and/or Emotionally Beat Down because those people STILL did not get the message when they have/had the Black Eye, the Broken Nose, Bones, Will And Heart.

I am just simply Speechless. At the Risk of Sounding Better than that kind of Thinking as well as a Self Righteous BASTARD (Because I have had that happen with me MANY TIMES BEFORE), People know better than to go for the Limited Individual as oppose to finding someone who will Actually be Good for them and their Life. I mean, WHY Set the Bar so Low for yourself by affiliating with someone that is Sub Par and has Zero Potential so you can feel like the Superior Participant in the Pairing?

No Bueno Senors, Senoras Y Senoritas. No Tan Bueno...

There, I said it.

Hiatus: Chapter 6

1. How are you feeling today?

Love
Noun: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

2. What did you do today?

Seeing how today Is Mother's Day, I devoted My Day to my Mom. Got her flowers from Calvin and I as We made certain that all of her Needs were met with the Greatest of Care.

3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAh0Tn0B8Gk
Boyz II Men's A Song For Mama, Live in Concert


Happy Mother's Day to all the Wonderful and Beautiful Mothers as well as Great Mothers-To-Be!!

I cannot help but reflect on how my Mom raised me to be the Man that I am today:

Respectful of Ladies
Compassionate
Loving
Strong-Willed
Strong-Minded
Determined
Driven
Motivated
And So Much More.

And it is these Qualities that make me Reflect on my Character as a Whole; A Man that will One Day be Cherished by a Young Lady that will look upon my Being and my Heart and Know with all of their Heart that they are with someone of Class and Substance.

My Mom has always been and always will be the Most patient with me, even when her patience with me wore thin. As we continue to Embark on my Medical Trials and Life Path, she is behind me all the way, as a Phenomenal Mother could and would. And with every passing day, I am Thankful for her being there for not only myself, but for my brother and the Family. Mom is the kind of Lady that can get things done, and doesn't waste time getting it done. And I Love her TREMENDOUSLY for her Heart!

You know, it certainly takes a Special Woman to raise Great People such as the few that I have met face to face (As well as soon-to-be meeting face to face). After my chance meetings of Beautiful and even Complex and Perplexing Minds in my Travels and Adventures (And I mean that in the most Sincere, Genuine and Loving Way), I can only bow down to the Greatness that is A Mother's Love.

I'll close out with this Mother's Day Gem of a Poem, as written by Helen Steiner-Rice.

A Mother's Love

A Mother's love is something
that no on can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. For everything that you Have Been and Always Will Be to Myself and Calvin, We Will ALWAYS Love You Deeply and Unconditionally.

Hiatus: Chapter 5

1. How are you feeling today?

Intrigued
Past Tense: To have aroused the curiosity or interest of by unusual, new or otherwise fascinating or compelling qualities; appealed strongly to; captivated

2. What did you do today?

I went to the Supermarket at least 3 times, ran to get Mom a Card for her Day tomorrow. Spoke briefly with my neighbor's mother and just took it easy.

3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYhhLkiIBcg
Final Fantasy X Otherworld

*Lyrics*

Go now if you want it.
Another world awaits you
Don't you give up on it.
You bite the hand that feeds you.

All alone cold fields you wander
Memories of it, cloud your sight
Fills your dreams, disturbs your slumber
Lost your way, a fallen knight

Hold now, aim is steady
Another world awaits you.
One thousand years--you ready?
The other world it takes you

Go into the sand and the dust in the sky
Go now, there's no better plan than to do or to die
Free me pray to the faith in the face of the light
Feed me fill me with sin now get ready to fight

You know, you will
You know, you will
You know it, you know it, you know it, you know that you will
You know, you know, you know, you know that you will
You know, you will

Fight fight fight
Fight fight fight
Fight fight fight
Fight fight fight

Hope dies and you wander
The other world it makes you
Dreams they rip asunder
The other world it hates you
Free now ride up on it
Up to the heights it takes you
Go on if you want it.
Another world awaits you


I'll be brief today.

I have an Inquiry...

What intrigues you to pursue what is in the minds of others?

For me, the most intriguing thing for me is the idea that people can talk shit behind your back and not have the Balls to say it to your face when it comes time for the "Bill" to be paid. I have been a witness and a victim to this line and train of thought for a VERY Long Time. Even now, people that are considered closest to me, are the PENULTIMATE Shit Talkers (Namely So-Called Friends and Family).

It saddens and embarrasses me as a Human Being that they rather be Back Stabbing Pussy Whiners than to step up and talk their shit to my face, KNOWING FULL WELL that I can and Consistently Will blow their talk out of the water. If they put half the energy into being about a Stand Up person as opposed to Vesting their Negativity into my Successes, they WILL be Better off in that fashion.

Please Shit Talkers, do yourselves a Huge Favor...

Get a Life OR Step To Me.

Hiatus: Chapter 4

1. How are you feeling Today?

Opportunistic
Adhering to a policy of opportunism; practicing opportunism.

2. What did you do today?

Woke up @ 8A, was out the door around 8.30A to get LabWork done at U of PENN. Headed over to my old Dialysis Unit and spoke with a few of the patients and friends that I made. Went to do a little banking and helped the family after my errands were completed.

3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D93iNH5gpA
The Big O (hip hop remix)


The reason why I feel Opportunistic is because I was approached by my Social Worker at my old Dialysis Unit to come in on June 2 and speak with the current patients about Life after Dialysis and the Beauty of Transplantation. I JUMPED at the Opportunity to Educate!! I will be there with Bells on to Enlighten and Encourage others to Take a Leap Of Faith and Live Life the the Absolute Fullest.

Which is why I am talking about being an Opportunist and being Opportunistic while Capitalizing on Key Opportune Moments in your Life.

There are Key and Distinct Moments within our Lives which are Defining Moments that separate the Men and Women from the Boys and Girls. The moments that determines our Fate and Legacy; How We Want To Be Remembered in the Eyes, Hearts and Minds of the Many that we interact with on a daily basis.

How do You want to be Remembered?

I know that I'll be remembered as the Man that looks and looked Controversy in the Eye and Spat in it. I'll be remembered as the Man who kept it 1000% with those I have interacted and engaged every waking moment. I'll be the Man who Inspired many to be the ABSOLUTE BEST that they can be, and NEVER Fear what they are Feeling. And they'll remember me as the Man who will do one other thing...

The Man Who Will Be Known As "The Opportunistic One."

Opportunities come to us in many forms, and I would like to examine the one that has "Eluded" Me constantly: Matters of the Heart. And I'll begin with a VERY EASY Question (My P.M.S. [Profound Mental Stimulation] readers KNOW that it is my Line of Questioning that Sustains Me and gives Me Insight into the Minds and the Mentality of others).

"Why Do People Screw Themselves Out Of A Great Experience When It Is Presented To Them?"

Let's throw myself under the bus, because Lord Knows I have done that alot in my Life, esp. in the Matters of the Heart.

I'll be Perfectly Honest with myself First, and with you all Second. I'm scared SHITLESS of being hurt and heartbroken. It is not the best feeling in the World at all. I have had it broken twice in my Life, yet I am Still Hungry to find my Balance, My Ms. Compatible.

It takes a TRULY REAL Man to Admit that he has a Fear or a Phobia in regards and reference to having his Heart Broken. It IS NOT about having his Ego Bruised, Broken or Crushed. It is all about His Heart and having it ripped from his chest and slowly stopping in its beat in the Cold and Callous hand of the one with whom he has entrusted. Which is the PRIMARY REASON as to Why I have Shieled My Heart from the "Coldness" that is the next Unsympathetic Individual that has Nothing but Malicious Intent to get their dirty hands on the one thing that which has made me a Superpower. Yet, my Dad sees hidden and Untapped Potential that a Special Young Lady can Enhance and Super Charge with her Compassion and Strength and Belief in Me to where I can restore the Confidence that I had lost not too long ago. But my issue is, not allowing her to be that close to me. But I know within myself that it is of the Utmost Importance that this Transaction between us MUST occur in order for Supreme and Maximum Growth within our Relationship. And in order for that to work and be fruitful in that aspect, is to Capitalize on the Opportunity when it is presented.

Make no mistake about it; that time WILL present itself in a way that will be unexpected and will be EXTREMELY Beneficial to us both. My cards are in my hand and are ready to be played. I am Confident in all of my Being that the young lady with whom I'll be united with will have her hand ready to play as well. And the End Result of it all will be The Unity and Union with which we will Benefit, Capitalize and in Essence, Win Together.

I have seen Friends and Family that have missed out on Something Special in their Lives, and have lived to regret it; Especially myself. Personally, I have a response those Regrets:

Not Anymore.

Thanks to a Very Good Friend of Mine with whom I have spoken with candidly and Openly about this topic, she reminded and reassured witin My Being to Take Risks and Gamble. Sometimes, we MUST put ourselves out there and Feel the Hurt and Pain to become that much more Stronger, Knoweldgeable, Informed as well as Prepared for the CORRECT PERSON in the Future for the Long Run (Maybe I should be Looking at Teacher in this regard, by being Opportuinistic in Pursuing her as my Match. I'M JUST SAYING...).

Yet, I CANNOT shake the feeling of Our Wedding Day. With Myself and My Bride at the Alter, the Officiator asks that ONE SPECIFIC QUESTION:

"If there is anyone with JUST CAUSE as to why these two should NOT be Wed, Let them Speak Now, Or FOREVER Hold Your Peace" (ALTHOUGH this has been omitted from the Ceremony altogether, Weddings CAN BE STOPPED ONLY If Sufficient Evidence that Supports the Claim of Marriage to Another can be presented).

I'll have the Officiator pause at this point as this would be the point in which I give 60 Seconds for the Guests and Witnesses to "Speak Their Peace." If after 60 Seconds have lapsed and NOONE has "Any Peace" to Speak, then I WILL make it ABSOLUTELY AND PERFECTLY CLEAR that the Opportunity has passed and they CANNOT say a Damn Thing from that point forward about Our Union. That/those individual(s) had their Opportunity to say what they felt and they will live to Regret not saying anything at that point in time. I am not attempting to be Malicious with mine. It is simply the fact and Idea that those persons had the one sliver of time and Opportunity to say what they are truly feeling about the Union in which my Bride and I are embarking on. The only thing is, if you felt that strongly about either of us, why didn't you claim us for yourself when YOUR Opportunity presented itself? What has stopped you from Claiming your Happiness?

Fear of Failure, or Fear of Success?

Truth be told, it is ALWAYS The Fear of Success, from my Point of View. People are afraid of having something that has the Greatest of ALL Potential to Succeed, yet they are So scared out of their Mind that they will do Anything AND Everything to Muddy up the waters, just to complain about being Alone and Flying Solo, only to Feed into their Sympathy which is and I'll say it ONE TIME: UNNECESSARY.

I have been there. CONSTANTLY.

I often asked myself, "When will it be My Time?" I recently discovered and with the help of others, I am LIMITING Myself because of not taking up on Opportunities and Taking Risks. Granted, it'll take some time to break, especially with my being a Non Conformist by Nature. STILL, I am HUNGRY and DESIRING Success in EVERY ASPECT of My Life; My Love Life as well as my Professional Life.

My Time WILL Come once I Release My Mental Restraints. THEN AND ONLY THEN, I will Reap The Rewards that are Unimaginable and were once thought to be Unattainable.

Hiatus: Chapter 3

1. How are you feeling Today?

Disappointed
Past Tense: depressed or discouraged by the failure of one's hopes or expectations

2. What did you do today?

Woke up at 8.45A, bought breakfast for my Dad and myself, actually just took it easy today, especially seeing that today is my Great Uncle's Birthday. Was here for him today, picked up his Medication and got him a Singing Hallmark Birthday Card. Mom ordered Ribs and Chicken for his Birthday Dinner. Calvin and I picked him up a Cake and Sherbet for his Birthday Dessert.

3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1yWgW-u4xc
Busta Rhymes' "This Means War" With Lyrics

First and Foremost, Happy 70th Birthday to my Great Uncle Daniel!!!

Today was a pretty alright day for Day 3 of my Unplugging from the Internet, until I was listening to Patty Jackson's 411 on 105.3 WDAS FM this afternoon as I was washing the dishes. She reported that Lawrence Taylor, Football Great, Tax Evader, Drug User and Dancing with the Stars Contestant was arrested and charged with assaulting and raping a 15-year-old girl.

A 39 Year Difference.

Now, I am not worried about Lawrence Taylor the Footballer (Just like I don't care about Celebrities and their Status).

I want to Speak On Lawrence Taylor, the "Man."

We all have some kind of sense to where we know what is Right and Wrong, Good and Bad REGARDLESS of our Status in Life. So, you mean to tell me that Lawrence Taylor doesn't know better as far as beating down and raping a teenage girl only to get arrested for his actions because of a Cheap Thrill?!

FUCKING DUMBASS.

This has me wondering ONCE AGAIN, if there is a Limit, a Line, SOMETHING for the People who have "Swag" or none at all that there are Consequences for their actions? People forget that NOONE is Above the Law, regardless of Status and Stature in Life. The disappointment that I have towards Mr. Taylor is Astounding, yet not surprising. If he is setting the bar as far as being a Role Model for his Community, then I MUST be missing the mark DRAMATICALLY for my own!!!

It also reminds me of how an Off Duty Philadelphia Police Officer shot and killed a man 2 days ago over a Fucking water fight in the young man's neighborhood. Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?! It's water!! It Dries! And it is helpful on 90-100 Degree Weather, especially if the water is cold! Now his Career is Dicked Over and Lives as well as Families have been destroyed because of his Adolescent and Disappointing Behavior!

Once Again, FUCKING DUMBASS.

Look, I only Respect my Parents and Elders, I am only mindful of those that are around me, Love and Embrace those that are close to me, do Positive things in my Life to Inspire others, and do everything imaginable to be a Better Quality of Person. Wow, Mr. Taylor, the "Man." Am I on the Opposite end of the Spectrum as far as being the Amazingly Fantastic Role Model in which you are perceiving yourself? I am SOOO Sorry for NOT meeting your expectations. What should be my Punishment?

I know!! Revoke My Man Card because I am such a FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOUR EYES FOR NOT MEETING YOUR STANDARDS!!! *Handing my Man Card to Mr. Taylor for him to rip to shreds*

This Ignorant piece of "Man" is so sickening and Disappointing as a Man that he has me looking at myself and being Thankful for the way in which I was raised. I don't hit women, I hug them and kiss their cheek. I don't Rape women, I make Love to them (And I DO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE). And let's not forget that even though Mr. Taylor and I graduated H.S. and did College, our paths took different directions. I went on to be a Productive Person in my Life and an inspiration to many that have crossed my path, he went on to the NFL, movies, etc.

But Mr. Taylor as a Man? PLEASE!! I am a Better Man than him because I don't allow outside influences to cause me to be an Embarrassment and Disgrace in MY EYES before anyone else got the chance to see my actions before I. As far as I am concerned, I know who and what I am, and he doesn't have a clue as to who and what he perceives himself to be as a Man. As a Man, I know that there is a thin item on the ground that is called "The Line" which we DO NOT Cross under ANY Circumstances, regardless of the negative situation.

Mr. Lawrence Taylor, the "Man," I am Embarrassed to be a Man today because of your Fuck Up. There are days where I am looking at Deadbeat Dads, dudes that cheat on their lady and criminals as the Scum of the Earth. Once again, you have set a New Standard for Men all across America by Beating and Raping a Defenseless Child. You are no different from the Pretentious Cocksuckers that raped the 7-year-old in NJ last month.

I guess you were trying to show them how it is REALLY Done.

Hiatus: Chapter 2

1. How are you feeling today?

Perturbed
Past Tense: To be disturbed greatly; made uneasy or anxious.


2. What did you do today?

Woke up at 7.15A, but got out of bed around 8A. Made an Emergency Appt. with my Primary Physician and was seen today. Talked with my brother before being seen by my doctor. Ran into a friend and her daughter in Center City. Made Dinner and was cutting up with the family. And texting fun with Lil Sis.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?




Just Close Your Eyes, With Lyrics by Story Of The Year


Well, I was perturbed today because of my Emergency Appt. with my Primary Physician Dr. Mignott. He had confirmed what I already knew; that I had an Ear Infection. He gave me Amoxicillin , which worked QUICKLY! THANK GOD for Docs, right? They give you the GOOD SHIT!!! We were happy to see each other and he was even happier to hear that I received my 2nd Kidney Transplant and doing very well. I find it odd that I get an Ear Infection right after Dr. Bloom, my Transplant Doc, pulled me off the Antiviral Meds 2 weeks ago...


Day 2 off the Internet was a very Interesting Day. It makes you recall conversations and discussions in which you had with friends. One conversation that stood out in my mind was one that I had with a Dear Friend about Labeling individuals in our Lives and why we do that. I heard and Listened to her Argument, which was Very Valid beyond a shadow of doubt. I have my Rebuttal ready, and may put this topic into perspective. Once again, I'll be as Philosophical as possible AND I'll equate everything to the one thing that my Best Friend/Brother says describes my Recalling Ability...

Food.

The way I see things in this World, Everything and everyone that we interact with I see are Spices. We can all agree that Variety is the Spice of Life, and we are the Main Course on our Menu. The Life we Live is our Spice Rack and it is stocked with the Spices we encounter every day. This includes, in where it is not limited:

Family
Friends
Relatives
Work
Lovers, BF, GF, Husband, Wife
Former Friends, Exes, Lovers

These particular Spices can either make Us (the Main Course) better or worse, depending on their level of involvement.

I feel that Labels are necessary so we know who is who on our Spice Rack. We have the Good Spices, just like we have and/or had the Bad Spices. It is all of those Spices that help influence Us to be a Better Dish for when the time arises for us to be the Featured Dish on the Menu. Why Spoil your Quality with Bad Spices, where there are Perfectly Good Spices that are on our Spice Rack that are capable of making us all the more Appetizing to stimulated eyes? The 5-Star Restaurant in which we live on has nothing but the Absolute Best to offer as far as Main Courses.

This all ties to being a Better Quality of Person by having the right influences in our Lives. Some people feel that they need to have the Bad Influences in their Life (Exes, or in this particular scenario, "X" Spices[as in bad tasting as well as poisonous]) and the end result is said Main Course being perceived as a particular Label to many others (Weak, Sorry, Easy, Lame, Uninspired, etc.) which are all unfair to the masses in said Restaurant. And it'll be those masses that'll pass an unfair judgment on you without even attempting to get to know you as a Person, an individual with Phenomenal Quality and bursting with Potential (which will ALWAYS be Your Flavor).

We (Label, via Distinguishment) NEED Labels so that we (Label, via Distinguishment) can Distinguish those individuals (Label, via Distunguishment) and know who they (Label, via Distinguishment) are and what they (Label, via Distinguishment) do/did during their (Label, via Distinguishment) tenure in our (Label, via Distinguishment) Life. I (Label, via Self Identification) call my Dear Friend (Label, via Distinguishment) my Dear Friend because she (Label, via Sexual Orientation) is near and dear to my Heart and there is no wrong that she (Label, via Sexual Orientation) can do to, near, far and around me (Label, via Self Identification). My Best Friend (Label, via Distinguishment) is that because he (Label, via Sexual Orientation) is one of a Very Elite Few (Label, via Distinguishment) that has shown me (Label, via Self Identification) who he (You get my drift...) has proven himself to be time after time.

He is called my Best Friend because he is Consistent in being there for me when I Need him the most for Moral, Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Support. Just as I have Dear Friends, Close Friends and Good Friends, they are labeled as such for their own Special and Specific Reason. I label because I would like to know where everyone stands in my Life as well as their Status and Stature in said Life.

I would Love nothing more than to have My ABSOLUTE BEST Spices in the Spotlight, just as much as the Main Course.

Hiatus: Chapter 1

I'll be conducting a Three Question Interview with Myself during my Haitus from the Internet...

1. How are you feeling today?

Detached.
Past Tense: To be removed from association or union with something


2. What did you do today?

Woke up around 6.30A, Shaved my head and face to make my beard presentable. I mailed a package, which is heading North. I did a little Banking, walked around in Center City and South Street and Light Shopping.


3. What are your Thoughts and Emotions today?

I feel that this song was and is Appropriate for today, due to my listening to it on repeat...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wY4ENto1V24

*Lyrics*

Read the words that are written in my face
Oh I believe them, I believe them
*Verse 1*
It's a shame that they lost their head
A careless man who could wind up dead
You wear your sin like it's some kind of prize
Too many lies, too many lies
*Chorus*
These words are true and I'll make you believe
Yeah, you fight for air and struggle just to breathe
And you wear your cowardice well
And I will see you ride it straight to Hell
*Verse 2*
It's written in my face, the shadows of my eyes
When the devil comes a-calling, it breaks your earthly ties
The land will break and the seas will rise
The wind will rage as it burns up the sky
All your beliefs will be broken and fall
On your final day, cause I'll end it all
*Chorus*


On this Day, my being detached from the Internet felt oddly Refreshing and Negative. It's a new feeling and experience. It will take some getting used to, and maybe my mood will change in time.

It seems that as much as I was Online, I forgot what the City looked like. It actually felt good to see The City and my fellow Philadelphians. As I walked through Rittenhouse Square, I saw a Terrier that had the shape of a Daschund. It was really cute, grey and black in color. Timid and Obedient with its Border Collie brother (or sister). The weather was Beautiful as I walked around the City, and took a few pics of Philly Fuckery (or Phuckery, dependent on your tolerance of Humor) on South Street and at One and Olney Plaza.

I also went in on a Blog written by a Very Dear Friend of mine. I was pretty Harsh and Extremely Honest with my feelings on the subject matter. I didn't mean to sound malicious or anything of the sort and if I did, I sincerely Apologize for my Emotions.

My baby brother came by to pick up his new phone today and tasted some of our mom's roasted veggie platter. It was really nice to see her cooking again, on the account of her Diabetes. It renewed Hope within me that there are STILL Sparks in her that shows her passion for the one thing that she loves: Cooking.

And Yes, there was a "My Dad On..." Moment! LOL!!

I am Very Thankful for your Understanding and Support during these next 27 Days of Trials, Tribulations and Trailblazing.

Hiatus

I have done alot of thinking today, and did alot of Reflecting as well as Revelating. I have come to an Intensely Personal Decision. Other than this site and Yahoo Mail, I am Unplugging from the Internet. I'll chronicle my feelings, emotions and insights as the days go on. FaceBook Universe, until June 1, will be Non-Existent. Nothing personal FaceBook Universe. I MUST do this for myself. If you do not like it, I only got 2 Words for you...

Fuck You.

D.T.A.: Don't Trust Anybody

Wrote this in College, and I am feeling this one, because it was Me, during my Infant Poetic Stages and the way I viewed the World at the time.


Sometimes being nice can get people screwed.
Where others are heartless, careless, and crude.
Where you try to be as warm as the sun,
Maniputaling minds is referred to as "fun."
If you see someone "nice" coming your way,
Just remember three letters: D.T.A.

People are a challenge to figure out.
Where manipulating minds is what they are about.
Forgetting others problems are a big joke.
There are sometimes I wish they would croak.
If you see someone "caring" coming your way,
Just remember three letters: D.T.A.

Material possessions have a significant meaning.
Holding on to it for life like an animal's weaning.
I thank God for not giving me the power to lash out,
With violence, vengance, and no ability to shout.
If you see someone "familiar" coming your way,
Just remember three letters: D.T.A.

~© 1997 Andrew Boyd~