My Name is Andrew, and I have a Secret to tell you all.
Over the years, I told you all a lot about myself. How my Health was going. How my family and friends means a lot to me. How my family and friends as well as all of you give me Strength to forge forward and become even stronger than the last day that has passed.
However, there is one story I kept locked away from everyone. A story I swore would never see the Light of Day. After talking to a close and dear friend Friday Night about it, she requested that I speak on it. I slept on the thought, and weighed my options…
It is best to talk about My Secret.
July 3, 2005 was a pleasant Summer Sunday. My family is getting ready for our barbecue, and is expecting a few close friends over to enjoy each other’s company. For some odd reason, I just wasn’t myself. I knew why, but did not want to admit it to myself and to those closest to me. It was my issue, and mine alone to deal with. After cleaning up the house, I picked a fight with my mother (Because of my issue). It was a heavy confrontation that caused me to go to my room and I wanted to be left alone. Within 10 minutes, my best friend and his girlfriend came over and were looking to see me around. My mother came to my room, and informed me of their arrival. I said that I didn’t care (A First for me in regards to my at that time 15 year best friend) and wanted to be left alone. We both got into it again, and then she flat out asked, “What is wrong with you?!”
My response, to the best of my Memory, is as follows:
“I am tired of doing this!! (Pointing to my Home Dialysis Machine) I am tired of doing Dialysis, I am tired of waiting for a Kidney Transplant, and I am tired of being a burden to everyone under this roof!!! I am TIRED of trying to stay Positive for something that may NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!! I just want to be by myself and just die!! And I don’t care if anyone is hurt or hurting from my words today!!”
That specific combination of words NEVER came out of me before, or was even thought of. I literally brought my home to its knees with how I felt about how my Life was going at that time.
My mom had this look of shock and as if she was gutted while standing right there hearing me voice my disgust and anger for my situation. She was speechless and could not figure out what to do or say. She left me alone for a few minutes. She cried to my brother, my dad and my best friend about the words that were spoken by me. All 3 came up to my room, and wanted to know why I was feeling this way. At the time, I couldn’t find the words. I eventually figured out that ever since I was diagnosed with my illness, I never FULLY Processed how I felt about everything that happened to me.
My brother sat next to me, and cried as he hugged me. As he grabbed and held onto the yellow band on my right wrist, he asked me, “See this band on your wrist? It say’s ‘Live Strong’ and you have done this for so many years, Andrew!! You have walked through the Gates of Hell and came out stronger because of it! I refuse to see you give up on You!!”
After he said his piece, he left. My best friend said nearly the same thing, and added, “The one important thing you should do is let your mom know you Love her and Appreciate her.”
Seeing how Ric NEVER steered me wrong, I trusted his words, stood in front of my mom, apologized for my anger, and let her know that I did, in fact, Appreciate her. We hugged for minutes, and they all left for me to gather my thoughts. I lay in my bed and BAWLED for 45 minutes. Everything I felt about my Health and my Situation came to a head and erupted in ways I never thought possible. After the heaviness passed me, I realized that was the one TRUE time I processed 19 years of hurt, pain, devastation and what my Life would be from that point forward. I went into the bathroom, washed my face, regained my composure and headed downstairs. My Heart was heavy, but not as heavy as it was earlier. My best friend introduced me to his girlfriend. She said to me, “I only know what Ricarto told me about you. He says that you have a strength inside of you that cannot be matched. When he told me what happened with you an hour ago, I didn’t know what to say. I truly hope that you are alright.” I thanked her for her kind words, and was very happy to hear that Ric spoke highly of me. I talked to my dad and he said something to me that humbled me to the core.
“The one thing that I admire about you is your ability to stand tall in the face of Adversity. Adversity doesn’t build Character; it shows your True Character. And you showed your True Character when you went through your illness, and you are still here to share your story with everyone that you hold close to you, and those who may be going through the same thing as you or worse.”
I wrote this experience out as a Request from my Dear Friend. She believes that I can save a Life by making this Secret public. As I was writing this, I realized even more what she was saying:
We are in fact Human. Even at times where we present ourselves as more than that, we do have something in common; Moments Of Weakness. Everyone in some way, shape and/or form has Pride. That Pride within us halts our progression of being who we are meant to be: Fully Functioning members of Society. I can only Hope that My Secret can help someone who is at or near the end of their rope, and can hopefully give them some reassurance that there are people in your corner and are ready to help you get back on track and back to being You.
I know many of you, seeing all that I have been through, consider me a Hero. And not seeing me break under the pressure was something you may have Admired a Great deal.
My name is Andrew, and I have a Secret to tell you all. Truth be told, Even Heroes Cry.
~© 2010 Andrew Boyd~
*The Original Writing can be found in this Link, with all of the Comments from those that have read it. I look at it every now and again, to Temper my Resolve:
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
A Demon lurks within Me; seeking a way out.
Feeling my True Form making its attempt to Surface,
My Eyes are like my Soul: Lifeless and Cold.
My Warm Exterior is adding more disgust to my Icy Interior,
To a point where I am prepared to do plenty of harm
To myself and those around me.
I have been Battle Tested and Scarred,
As My Gaze tells the Draining Story of Corruption and Deception.
My weathered consciousness is weighing me down daily,
For I know not what will be my Fate...
My fate lies in the hands of an unknown entity that I wish not to know
Yet I see the satisfaction at the reflection before me
Eyes stained red with the power I’m afraid to conquer
Yet at peace with who I really am
Could this be who I really am?
Feeling the blood course through my veins
My screams echo for only my ears to hear
Fighting within myself to stay true
But finding refuge within the darkness of myself
Anguish fills my soul as I continue to battle for that last drop of sanity
My outward Sanity binds and contains my inner Insanity,
As I try my hardest to not unleash the Havoc and Hell within.
A World unworthy of my Smile and Beaming Happiness;
I keep a strong grip on My Reality before it leaves its mark.
I am a far cry from a Fractured Fairy Tale,
And no where near a Shattered Dream.
Who I am, is the Raw and Real:
Damaged beyond Repair, yet seeking a Human Mechanic
To help me re-work my Internal and Mental Plumbing
So that I may have some Grounds of Configuration.
In having this, I can only Hope that I can be realigned.
Otherwise, there is No Possible Way of obtaining Liberation.
My realignment is conformed to fit my own precedence
Forming and constructing all the parts that bind me
Swimming relentlessly in unknown waters of my own melancholy
I drown in chameleon-like appearance as my sanity questions my existence
Trying to control the inner alter that has me cloaked
I remember that…all that is me…IS
But I fearfully lock away the creature that is ME
To save the world from its demonic torture that no one should endure
Standing faulty…almost broken…I firmly believe…that
I will not rest in slumber until the alter of ME is at peace
~© 2011 Andrew Boyd~
~© 2011 D. Caprice Todmann~